The updates are listed here from most
recent first. You can click on a date to the left and jump straight to
this entry.
Lowri,
3 years ago today you took your last breath on this earth and left us
shattered that cancer could take such a beautiful spirited little girl so
quickly. We still cry every day for the loss of your company and the loss of
your future and because we don't get to hug you every day like we should.
You were with us for less than 4 years and yet your impact on our lives will
last for our lifetimes and beyond. Be at peace little angel until Mumma and
Daddy, Roosje, Liam and Owen are reunited with you in Heaven. Sweet dreams
baby, we love you right up to the moon and back.........infinite times.XXXXX
It has been a long time since we
updated this site and a lot has happened in that time.
One Thursday in May Tim's Dad, Lowri's
"Normal" Grandad, Hans phoned us to tell us that he had been
diagnosed with stomach cancer. He said he had not been in any pain,
and did not seem terribly upset by the diagnosis. It was not likely
that much treatment would be given as his general health status was not good
enough to tolerate any treatment. He had been lonely ever since Tim's
Mum Betty died in December 2001 and missed her constantly. He also
told me many times that he couldn't understand why someone as old and
unhealthy as him should live on when our little girl Lowri, with so much
life to live, had been taken. A week after his phone call he was
rushed into hospital with internal bleeding and he died early the next
morning. We miss you Hans, but Lowri will have welcomed you with
open arms and I know you will have given her plenty of hugs from us.
Our little Owen turned one in
June. He has been a handful since the day he was born, but has brought much
joy into our lives. He is far happier in himself now that he can walk
well and terrorise the dog and all other occupants of the house. All
our precious objects are moving closer to the ceiling each week in an
attempt to keep them safe.
In July we went to the UK to
visit my family and to catch up with all our friends there. We had a
fantastic, although very hectic time. We spent our time juggling
showing the kids around the attractions and spending time with people we
wanted to see. We saw Chester Zoo, Old Trafford Soccer Ground,
Blackpool, the London Eye, the Tower of London, Warwick Castle, we
day-tripped to Paris with another day in Paris Disneyland, we spent a week
in Devon and several hours stuck in traffic on the M5 motorway and several
more hours trying to bypass the traffic on the M5, visited Cardiff and drove
up through Wales to Chester. We caught up with lots of our friends,
but of course did not get long enough with any of them......and sadly we
never managed to contact several of our friends, sorry guys! We also
spent time with my Mum and Dad and brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece.
It was so nice for Roosje and Liam to see their English cousins again.
It all went too quickly and we would love to do it again, to do all the
things and see all the people we missed, and spend more time with the people
we did see.
On the way home we stopped off
for two nights in Singapore to help stave off the jet lag - it didn't work
for me, I am a zombie anyway even a week after we have returned home.
During our day at Euro Disney we
bought Lowri the biggest Winnie the Pooh balloon we could find and tied it
to Owen's stroller. At the end of the day when we left the park we let
it go to Lowri. She was on our minds as usual during the trip and it
is always sad to return to a home that will never ring with her laughter
again. We miss you so much baby, but you travel with us in our
hearts.
And still the world carries on as
more and more of our friends die of Wilms' Tumour. While we were away
a little boy
Ethan got his angel wings and another one of our Wilms' family
Kyle has
been told there are no more tested treatments available to try to cure his
disease. I can hardly bear to think of these parents' pain as they
face up to life without one of their children. Another on-line friend
of ours died recently too.
Spencer
was one of the first children we came to know, through his mother, when we
first went looking for help on-line. He had so many surgeries and
procedures I lost count and he bravely fought on. Sadly the tumour in
his brain just kept on coming back and finally his body could not take any
more. Please keep these children and their families, and all the other
children on the links page, in your
prayers
Thank you all for your support
over the last 3 years.
Harri, Tim and the kids
Well I expect you all thought we
had dropped off the planet!! It has been a while since the last update
and that has been because we have been pretty busy with Owen, Liam and
Roosje and the soccer club. We have after school activities every day
of the week and both days of the weekend at the moment - too much!
The tennis season has finished
with both Roosje and Liams' teams not doing too well, but they enjoyed the
season anyway. Liam did very well in the club championships being
knocked-out in a very close game by the boy who went on to win. He is
now signed up for winter coaching so that he doesn't forget all that he
knows in the meantime. Liam is also doing miniball (junior basketball)
again this year - the team only started up last year, but have come a long
way since then and seem to have a good grasp on the play now. Liam is
also doing soccer (of course) for the usual local club, but has been
selected to take part in the national "International Player Development
Program" which should help to increase his playing skills considerably.
Roosje is just getting back into
the netball season with team selection going on at the moment.
The Relay for Life was another
great success this year, although it was very hard on the ears as our tent
pitch was right by the stage. Lowri's Angels did a fantastic job as
always, keeping the walking going throughout the 24 hours with cheerfulness
and determination. We have raised NZ$8,600.00 so far with some still to
collect. We sold pink helium filled balloons during the event and at
the end of the 24 hours we released over 100 of the pink balloons for Lowri
and the other children we know who lost their battle for life.
The swimming pool area is finally
finished - well there is still some planting to do, but that is down to me.
Last Wednesday a carpenter came and finished the deck so it is usable again.
We have now started phase two - the new garage. We have applied for
resource consent to build a new garage and changing shed in front of the
pool. Considering that the pool took over 18 months to get done I
dread to think how long the garage will take to build. We are wishing
that we had just sold up and moved to a house that had all the rooms and
pool that we wanted.
Sadly, also last Wednesday, my
little cat Brumey died. Although I know this death will not rock
anyone else's world, she was my constant companion for 13 years and I miss
her very much. Brumey kept me company through the bad days after Lowri
left, and her death took me right back to the depths of those early days
without Lowri again. She was a nervous cat who distrusted strangers intensely and
steered clear of the children most of the time too, but was always following
me around and jumped straight onto my lap whenever there wasn't a child
there. Brumey never let me eat an ice-cream, cheese or potato chips,
or drink Baileys Irish Cream liqueur without demanding some for herself.
I was distracted and busy with other things recently and did not notice her
becoming sick so her death was unexpected. I hope that she
found Lowri waiting for her - two gentle souls waiting for me to join them.
Last night I accidentally deleted
the entire guestbook. We have had a lot of problems with the guestbook
over the last few months with it not being "available", it not notifying us
of new messages or it being filled with inappropriate "spam" mail.
Last night I went to delete one such spam and the whole guestbook deleted
itself. Tim did not believe that I had not hit a wrong button so he
made me repeat what I had done on the KiwiAngels guestbook - and that too
was deleted completely! Tim had backed both up on 1st April so I know
we didn't lose any real messages from the KiwiAngels guestbook, but I know
we lost some from Lowri's guestbook. If you signed the guestbook
between 1st and 14th April, could you please sign it again because we lost
your message! If you didn't sign the guestbook during this time - WHY
NOT?? We still love to hear from anyone who is visiting the site.
Tim is currently looking into creating a different guestbook for both sites.
I have had to move three of our
Wilms kids to the Angels list on the
links page. Star, Melanie and,
just yesterday, Patrick were all taken by the same unfavourable histology
Wilms that took our Lowri from us. How I wish that someone somewhere
in the world was even seriously looking for a cure for this, but as "so few"
children are diagnosed with this cancer it is WAY down the list of important
studies. I am so sad for the families of these children. Our
friend Haley is also still in need of prayers.
Thank you for visiting. I
will try to post some photos soon.
Harri & the gang.
Sorry it has been so long since I
did an update. It has been a busy time of year with the long summer
school holidays and now the start of a new school year with the opening of
the soccer registrations (I am the secretary of the junior soccer club),
tennis restarting and YES, we are doing the Relay for Life at the end of
this month. Lowri's Angels again raised more money than any other
non-corporate team in the 2004 Auckland Cancer Society Relay for Life (a
little over $8,100.00) so we have a reputation to live up to now.
The local paper "The Aucklander"
did an article this week about the Lowri's Angels team and the Relay for
Life, and several people who saw the article have asked me how to donate
money to our team's efforts. The easiest way is to email us at
timvdw@kcbbs.gen.nz and we can email you back with the official
fundraising letter which gives you an address where you can donate by credit
card. If that does not suit you then you can send a cheque payable to
"Relay for Life" to Lowri's Angels, c/o P.O.Box 91, Greenhithe, Auckland.
All donations will be gratefully received by Lowri's Angels on behalf of the
Auckland Cancer society.
The reason we have been involved
with the Relay for Life is because although the Auckland Cancer society is
not often involved with childhood cancer a large part of their fundraising
goes to cancer research and we are very keen for a CURE to be found for the
horrible disease. Nobody should have to suffer the way that Lowri and
so very, very many others have.
I have once again failed to load
any new photos of the garden, but believe me the project is still on-going.
We are now at the 17 month mark - eek. The pool is well used however
as the days have been hot and humid recently. It is nice to jump into
the cool waters at the end of the day. Roosje has just started at a
new Junior High school - the school is brand new and has just taken it's
first pupils. So far she is loving it, but the homework hasn't really
started yet!! I took Liam in for his first day of the year at the
local primary school - he still has 2 years left at that school. It is
still hard to see Lowri's peers going to the school. When Liam leaves
for Junior High I will not have a child at the school until Owen turns 5 in
2009.
Owen himself is now cruising
around the furniture. He learned to crawl in January and now just
crawls when there isn't any climbable furniture where he wants to go.
Needless to say he could do with a safety helmet and the rest of us could do
with some anti-anxiety pills. We have had to move all our valuable
objects up the shelving units twice in as many months and just spent the
weekend sorting out stair gates etc.
Thank you for your continuing
support. I try to get to all the other children's sites whenever I can
- all the ones on the links page.
Haley
really needs some prayers right now as she starts a new treatment protocol
and
Matthew and Star
do too as they near the end of their lives.
Harri & the gang
Owen's scan was all completely
normal and no sign of Wilms at all. This does not put my mind at rest
entirely, but it does stop me worrying for the time being. He will be
scanned again in a year's time - too long a gap in my opinion, but I am only
his mother not an expert.
We have a full house here for
Christmas and Grandma Tricker is cooking a roast as I type - we are hoping
it will be too hot on Christmas Day for a roast dinner so we are getting
that out of the way on Christmas Eve so we can enjoy a nice relaxed Barbeque
by the pool on The Day itself (of course we all have to keep off the patio
because the pavers are down but not sealed, but that's a whole nother
chapter). I still haven't wrapped the presents and should really be
doing that right now, but what is Christmas without a last minute rush?
I'd like to report that I haven't
had time to miss Lowri, but that would be lying - she still creeps into my
every waking moment, but I am coming to realise that I (and here I typed
"may never see her again in this life" which illustrates my state of mind
about her.......the rest of you all know this is a certainty, but my mind
plays tricks on me.) *sigh*. We will be hanging her stocking as usual
and seeing what Santa will bring. May God watch over her up there and
make sure she has a Happy Christmas without us.
Wishing you peace at Christmas.
Harri & the gang.
Tomorrow is the
Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children who have died.
We will be lighting candles for Lowri and for all the other children we know
of who have died. Our on-line friend
Josh got
his angel wings since I last updated along with Lauren and Laura two other
Wilms' warriors we know of. Heaven's school roll must be getting very
full. So many families we know of will be having a sad Christmas this
year. Our friend
Haley
needs your prayers right now too.
When Lowri was in treatment we
put the highchair away in a cupboard in the garage to make more space in the
dining room. This week I got it out to clean up for Owen and when I
took the back off to clean it I found a whole clump of Lowri's hair from
when it was falling out during chemo. It had bits of toast and other
?? crumbs mixed in with it but I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.
A big part of me wanted to just leave it in the highchair and never clean it
up, but I fought through that and collected the hair into an envelope and
cleaned the chair right up. A couple of weeks ago I was clearing out a
cupboard and I found a flax bag that Roosje had made at school for me.
Inside it I found a piece of a jigsaw puzzle which had been missing for a
couple of years. I realised that Lowri must have put it in the bag and
although I had already taken it out I wanted to put it straight back in - it
was too late, I had broken that spell, I could no longer say that Lowri was
the last one to touch it. As time passes and I tidy away more and more
of these "last remnants" of Lowri's existence here I feel like I am moving
further from her. It is hard to let go of her physical signs and so,
so sad. Some days, when everyone around me is getting ready to enjoy a
Merry Christmas and I am blowing biscuit crumbs from bits of hair and
carefully storing them in envelopes I may never look in again, I feel a
million miles away from the rest of the "normal" world.
I have been digging in the garden
today, in the patch that will become Lowri's memorial garden. I ache
all over but it is a good ache, I feel like I have achieved something (not a
lot, but "something"). I haven't been back into the swimming pool
since that first daring dip, but i plan to go back in as soon as the temp
goes back above 22 degrees - the weather has been foul for a couple of
weeks, don't know when we are going to get some summer. The paving did
not get done in November but we are ever hopeful that it will get done this
week. I will try to remember to take some photos tomorrow of the
progress so far.
On Wednesday 15th December Owen
is going for his kidney scan so please add us to you prayers for that day.
I am going to have to take some big deep breaths before going back into that
Hospital and watching another of my children lying in that same scan room as
we learned of Lowri's final relapse.
Harri.
Today I went into the pool for
the first time!! Roosje, Liam and Tim have been using it for some
time, along with many of the kids friends. I decided I wouldn't go in
until the temperature was over 22 degrees and yesterday our friend Noel gave
us a pool thermometer and the kids told me "It's 24 degrees today Mum!"
I realised as I was swimming around that I haven't updated this page here
for a while so here's a quick catch-up. The pool is in and usable, but
the landscaping is STILL not finished (and don't ask what the bill for the
work so far is....eeek!). The paving should be started this
week and the fencing will not be done until after Christmas now. The
new lawn is planted and starting to grow and a lot of the planting is done,
but there is no integration between the existing garden and the new bit so
it all looks like a building site still (but not when you're IN the pool,
from there it's just bliss).
Owen is still doing well - the
Plunket (health) nurse says he is a good advert for breast milk as at his
five month check up he was just one ounce short of 22lb (9.5Kg) and is up at
the 95th percentile for his age. This may or may not be a good thing.
He is still a very "labour intensive" child, and I must surely be beginning
to look like a body builder from the waist up from carrying him around.
Roosje and Liam are both well
into their tennis season and keeping me active as a taxi driver getting them
from here to everywhere. They are looking forward to our first
Christmas at home, with both Grandma and Grandad Tricker coming over from
England and "normal" Grandad coming up from Whakatane. Here's hoping
for a lovely sunny Christmas day so we can all get into the swimming pool.
The last few months have been
difficult ones with so many sad memories resurfacing again, and now we are
back into the time of year when Lowri was first diagnosed, and of course the
time when Betty, Tim's Mum died. I don't think that I will ever stop
missing Lowri or get used to the feeling of having someone missing when the
family gets together. We tell Owen all about his big sister while we
go about our daily business, but how I wish that she was here with us all.
I have had to move another of our
Wilms' friends, Hailey, onto the list of
angels, and several
new children have been added to the list of
current warriors.
Thankfully some children have moved on to the list of
survivors.
Please remember all these children in your prayers, and rack your brains to
think of how you can help to prevent or cure cancer - somebody out there
must be able to come up with some bright new suggestion. My on-line
bereavement group has been discussing the truth about childhood cancer and
why it is that "the public" are protected from the real facts and
pictures.....but that's a whole new entry and it's already 1am. I will
try to add some photos of Owen and the garden soon, and also to update the
photogallery of Lowri's photos.
Goodnight and God bless,
Harri & the gang.
This day 6 years ago I was still
pregnant with Lowri. We expected so much for her in her future, her
life held so much promise. Tomorrow is her 6th birthday, the third of
her birthdays which we have to "celebrate" without her - the same number we
actually got to celebrate with her here. I have said before that it
does not get any easier as time passes. Some things are far harder;
what would she look like now, what would she like to do, how would she want
to celebrate her birthday and who would be her friends? Some of these
questions we can guess answers to; she looked a lot like Roosje so would
probably look quite like Roosje did at 6 years old. I think she might
have been growing out of her love of pink by now, maybe been into purple.
She may still be friends with the same boys she "hung out" with at 3, but
having spent a year at school she would probably have a whole new set of
friends that we haven't even got to meet......we steer fairly clear of 5/6
year old girls.
I have included a copy of a photo from Roosje's 6th
birthday party (Roosje is the second from left and Lowri is the 10 month old
lying with her back to the camera, click to enlarge) - it was a fairy party. Lowri and I dressed as
fairies too. I wish I could do that again for Lowri, she deserved a
fairy party. To us of course she is still that cute little
nearly-four-years-old who we last held - the girl we couldn't save, forever
3, forever innocent, forever missed. Our hearts will be heavy on a day
that should have been happy.
Happy 6th Birthday Lowri.
Tomorrow is also breast cancer
awareness "Pink Ribbon" day here in New Zealand. It amuses me to think
of everyone wearing pink ribbons on Lowri's birthday, she would enjoy that!
Harri.
Smiling, loving little girl
You brought us joy and light
Then cancer came and took you
And plunged us into night
The days drag by without you
The nights are full of tears
Our arms have ached to hold you
Each second of two years
Lowri, we love you right up to
the moon and back..........infinite times XXXXX
Mumma, Daddy, Roosje, Liam and
Owen.
Tomorrow is the soccer club
Prizegiving and I am having trouble going to bed. Two years ago the
soccer Prizegiving was the last time Lowri left our house alive. I
really don't like the month of September any more. Some days the sight
of the daffodils poking their yellow heads above the ground makes me want to
stamp all over the flower beds, although I have previously loved the signs
that spring is coming. All this "renewal of life" stuff just sticks in
my throat now. September 23rd is bearing down on me with it's black
clouds and it's hideous memories and I'm going to have to ride this storm
again and again and again. I have tried to figure out why I do some of
the stuff that really hurts. Last week we went to the Child Cancer
Foundation Zoo visit (the same event that we went to later in the day of the
soccer Prizegiving 2 years ago - the trip that Lowri insisted on going on
even though we thought she was too sick). We have no real reason to go
on that trip any more - Lowri is not here to insist - but I know that if she
was here she would insist on going. Lowri loved the zoo, she hovered
forever by certain animals. I realised that I was standing by these
same enclosures trying to picture Lowri, to recapture the look on her face
and the sound of her voice. I think that is why I went, to try to
"find" her again at the zoo. Of course I didn't find her.....she is
still hiding somewhere in my head, just beyond my grasp, my brain is still
playing cruel tricks with me and keeping most of my memories of her hidden
from me....although I remember her essence, her feel, and her place in my
life, I want to "hear" her voice again and "see" her face animated - no
GODDAMMIT I want her back here and I don't think I'll EVER EVER EVER
EVER stop wanting that.
**I forgot to mention that today
is also Fathers' Day here in New Zealand, so fairly stink day for Tim too in
it's own way.
Sadly I have added a couple more
kids sites to our links page, and a
couple of the other kids there have had bad turns to their treatment.
I know that these kids and their families all appreciate any visitors to
their sites and especially if you say a quick "hi" on their guestbooks - it
really does give them a boost in their darker hours.
Roosje turned 11 on 24th August.
Happy Birthday Roosje!!
Bless you for continuing to care
about us,
Harri & the gang.
Well I had really forgotten how
much time a new baby takes up, especially one who likes to be held and
patted the whole time - no free hands to type with! I will start at
his beginning and try to recap the last 7 weeks. Wow, time flies
doesn't it?
I had an u/s scan on Thursday
June 10th and the doctor told me my baby already measured 11lb 6oz. My
midwife told me that owing to the baby's "huge" size and my advanced age
(!!) I would need a C-section, so I was duly booked for an
"elective" caesar on Tuesday 15th. I was not at all pleased
about that - having produced 3 large children by the natural route I didn't
want to have to undergo surgery for the fourth one, so I was desperately
hoping and praying that he would put in an appearance before the Tuesday. On Saturday night I went to bed at
midnight, and just as I was dropping off to sleep my waters broke. My midwife
insisted that Tim and I go to the hospital even though I was not having any
regular contractions, and when we got there the contractions were still
irregular. The midwife went to lie down after telling me that she would "see
how I progressed" before sending me for a c-section, and Tim went to sleep
in the chair while I paced the floors trying to get my labour underway, and
using my TENS machine and dancing to music to control the pain. By
6.30am I rang the bell and begged the nurse to call my midwife back for me,
and she arrived at 7.15 and set the room up for a birth - but was still not
very enthusiastic about my abilities to push this child out. By this stage I was telling Tim that I wanted drugs and
what was I thinking?? The midwife checked me and
three contractions later I was ready to push - so I didn't get any drugs
again. Standing up and leaning on the bed it only took a few minutes before Owen
David came into the world with a huge yell (from him). He weighed *only* 10lb 11oz -
which I was very glad about, and was 22inches (55cm) long, born at 8.10am (New
Zealand time) Sunday 13th June 2004. It wasn't the wonderful, relaxed
birth experience I had with Lowri (see entry for
8 Oct 2003), despite the labour
progressing at about the same pace and the birth being no more difficult.
I think that the fear of having to rush to theatre for a c-section spoilt
the whole experience and left me scared for the safety of Owen. Roosje
and Liam had been planning to come to the birth, but that also didn't happen
because I was so worried about something going wrong.
Owen had bad jaundice for the
first weeks, which meant that he slept a lot and had to be constantly woken
to feed. He also had trouble latching on to breastfeed (he has a
slight tongue-tie, the third of our children to be tongue-tied) and so it
seemed like feeding him and trying to get some sleep myself occupied the
whole of the first few weeks of his life. Roosje and Liam love having
him around to hug, and fight over who is going to hold him. He looks a
lot like the girls, Roosje and Lowri, did as babies, but seems to have Liam
and Tim's dark brown eyes and olive skin (though a little hard to tell skin
tone with all the jaundice). He may look like Lowri, but he has a very
different personality, screaming loudly when he is not 100% satisfied with
life! I have added a few photos to the
photo album.
Meanwhile, out in the back garden
a whole tribe of workers are progressing with the landscaping - with
constant hammering and thumping going on all day (which thankfully Owen
sleeps through). The ground around the pool has been built up and the
concrete poured, the decks are being extended and the water feature
looks......well like a pile of dirt still. I have also added
some photos of the progress
there. Of course costs are spiraling out of control, so we could end
up with the most expensive garden in the district - and a HUGE mortgage to
pay for it all, but HOPEFULLY we will be swimming by Christmas.
Liam turned 9 on 22nd July.
Happy Birthday Liam!!
I am adding to the
links page a list of all the
friends who are fighting, or have fought, Wilms Tumor whom we have met
through the internet. I check all of these sites regularly (although I
am a little behind at the moment). Several of these children have
recently relapsed and I know that they would appreciate your prayers and
your messages of support.
Thanks also for your prayers and
your messages of support for us, it is what has got us though some very bad
times.
Harri & the gang (THROLaL?)
Our new son Owen David
(photos) arrived at 8.10am on
Sunday 13th June 3 days before his due date. He weighed in at 10lb
11oz and was 22 inches long. He and I are both tired out by the
experience of the birth, and will be spending the next few days (or weeks or
months!) working on feeding and catching up on some sleep. I will tell
more later.......
Harri.
For those of you wondering I am still pregnant despite being past 37 weeks -
I had both Roosje and Lowri at 37 weeks, but Liam at 41 weeks (please,
please, please no, not 41 weeks again!!). Everything is taking me so
long to do these days with a combination of appallingly bad memory and
terribly achy body, so I don't get around to checking the computer as often
as I used to do.
I have loaded a couple of photos
of the kids in the swimming pool - they have only been in it twice so far,
but that is once more than I expected. They came out with blue lips
both times. The weather has turned a bit colder now though so I expect
they won't try it again until about October!
Last week Tim's Dad (Lowri's "normal" Grandad) had a blood clot in his leg.
He had an operation to remove the clot, but unfortunately that did not cure
the problem completely. On Saturday he had the leg amputated above the
knee. We all went down to visit him before the operation and stayed
until we were satisfied that he was on the mend. It will take a good
while for him to be "back on his foot", but he was looking pretty good when
we left him. We were all hoping that the baby would come while we were
down visiting him so that he could get to see his latest Grandchild straight
away, but despite some heavy and frequent contractions baby decided to stay
put.
Harri.
Woohoo, we have a swimming pool!! Well, we have the shell of a
swimming pool sticking up out of the ground, full of dirty, muddy, very cold
water and just a few chemicals - but, undaunted, Roosje and Liam want to go
for a swim......I have loaded some
photos of the project so far and will hopefully get some photos of the
kids and their friends in their wetsuits testing the water tomorrow.
It's hardly ready for a pool party, but at least the kids are excited by it.
Harri.
.I have loaded a few more
photos of the garden.
Had a bit of a set-back last week when the new retaining wall was put in and
it was the wrong colour - it was yellow, our other retaining wall is reddy-brown.
Now it has been dismantled and is being rebuilt in the correct colour
blocks. However it has been raining for a week now and the trucks
bringing the blocks in and out have left big deep ruts all over the
garden..... and still no sign of the pool. I think they need a couple
of rain-free days to dig the hole and install and fill the pool, and here in
Auckland it is hard to guarantee rain-free days even at the height of
summer, so who knows when we'll get our pool.
Another sad, sad loss this week. I went to check on another Wilms'
friend who was undergoing a stem cell transplant to free him of his Wilms,
and was shocked to find that he had not survived this beast. Please
say some prayers for
Mason
and his parents and sister. I am really beginning to wonder about the
survival figures they quote for Wilms' Tumour, so many of our little on-line
friends have died.
We have contacted Lowri's Oncologist to discuss the chance of the new baby
having Wilms' as it can sometimes be hereditary. The baby will have
annual ultrasounds to check it's kidneys, which is a big relief to Tim and I
- at least if this baby does have Wilms' we should catch it earlier and
hopefully it will then be more treatable than Lowri's was.
Hug your loved ones and tell them that you love them.
Harri.
........Oops!!
I don't often check the guestbook as it automatically
sends us an email with the message whenever someone signs it. I was
feeling sorry for myself as nobody had signed the guestbook for a loooong
time so I decided to go and check that it was working and I found lots of
messages I had never seen. For some reason it has stopped emailing us
when somebody signs, so I will have to check it out myself now until I sort
out the problem.....and to those of you who signed it thank you, it was nice
to find those messages!!
It has felt like the end of an era with Savannah's death. Now all of
the children we "met" who were fighting kidney cancers when Lowri was
diagnosed are all dead, Lowri, Tyler, Brock and now Savannah. What is
God thinking? All of their parents are hurting and will never really
be the same again. I wish that I could tell them that it gets better
with time, but I haven't found that to be the case so far. Much as I
have become more used to Lowri not being here I haven't missed her any less
as time goes on, nor has the pain of seeing her die eased. Every day
is another day that we have to face without her.*sigh*
We spent the whole of Easter weekend shifting pavers, moving rocks,
transplanting plants, pulling out hedges and chopping down trees to create
space for the long-awaited swimming pool. We completely removed the
garden we planted for Lowri's first birthday, the garden that she and I used
to spend our time tending before she was diagnosed. It was sad to have
to get rid of that garden which always reminded me of Lowri, but sadder to
have to weed it alone. I have created a
photo album of that garden, the
early days, how it looked last summer and how it looks now, and will
continue to load photos of the pool progress. I also have planned to
plant a new "Lowri" garden after the pool is in.
The diggers were due in last Thursday to "level" the section and so Tim
removed the front fence from the garden. Unfortunately the diggers put
in a no-show, funny that, workmen not showing up when they say they will eh?
We have spent the last week chasing Copper (dog) back from all around
the neighbourhood as every time we let him out into the garden he runs away
through the space where the fence used to be. Poor little dog will
have to spend the next x-many weeks chained up.
Thank you for checking in on us and for remembering Lowri.
Harri.
Savannah,
who was our beacon of hope in our darkest hours, lost her battle to
Unfavourable Wilms' Tumour on Saturday 27th March 2004. There is not
much I can add to that statement right now as I have only just read this
myself on her website, but my heart really hurts for her parents as I know
what pain that their immediate future holds. Please pray for Savannah
and her family.
I will never forget the courage
that Savannah showed in facing the ongoing treatments she endured to try to
rid her body of this hideous invader, I have know adults to whinge and whine
about lesser struggles, she will always be a hero to me. Why?
WHY? Please God let someone find a cure for this disease soon!!
Harri.
This week marks 18 months since
Lowri died. I wish I could say it is easier to bear now, but it isn't.
There are new things to mourn, missed opportunities and events, wondering
how she would look now and what she would like to do. She doesn't come
out of the school gate at 3pm with the other kids, and she's not here to
join in the discussions about what to call the new baby. There are so
many ways I still miss her. I am still haunted by the memory of the
pain and withdrawal she went through in the weeks before she died, and by my
own helplessness as a mother, my inability to make it all better.
Gathering baby gear for the new baby is resurrecting old memories of doing
this the last time with Lowri, and I want her by my side to tell the stories
to - I tell her anyway, I just hope she can hear me. 18 months - it
feels so long.
I know that I owe absolutely
everyone emails, my inbox is stuffed full. I have been spending most
of my "spare" time processing registrations and creating a website for the
local Junior Soccer Club,
Greenhithe Junior
Soccer Club. I foolishly agreed to be club secretary this year
before I found out I was pregnant, and have been very busy with this stuff
for the last month or so as it is the start of a new season here.
Hopefully things will slow down a little now that practices have started and
I will find time to reply to everyone (in between having a swimming pool
installed and getting things ready for a new baby of course). In the
meantime I am sorry to be so slack - don't give up on me yet!
For those of you who spotted the
ref to the long-awaited pool - things are moving along. The diggers
are due in next week, but we haven't decided exactly what we want yet -
EEK!!
Harri.
What a weekend we had for our
Relay for Life. After quite the wettest, most miserable February in
living memory (remember that this is usually the best summer month of the
year down here) the tail-end of Cyclone Ivy swooped into Auckland to wreak
havoc on walkers, decorations, banners and tents.
I have nothing but praise for our
wonderful team of friends and family who showed up to walk in the driving
rain and wind on the Saturday afternoon and evening. People were
soaked to the bone and walking through puddles which grew to cross the
entire track. Inside the tent was not much better with rain coming in
through every opening with each gust of wind, and every seat and piece of
paperwork soggy too. Luckily for all of us the organisers called a
halt to the walking at 8pm due to danger from flying tent poles and tent
pegs, an inability to guarantee lighting (3,000 homes in Auckland had already lost their
lights by that time) and the flooding on the track. The candle
lighting ceremony was of course not done as the bags would not have
withstood the wind or the rain. Apparently the whole stadium flooded
after we all left for the night and when we came back the next day our tent
was holding 2 inches of water across it's bottom. One of our team could not
be contacted and drove out to the stadium in the middle of the night having
eaten extra dessert to build up her energy reserves - luckily she realised
that the event must have been cancelled and went home again. Walking
resumed at 9am Sunday in gentler rain and a lot less wind, and most of our
team joined us during the Sunday, only to get a light sunburn for their
trouble when the rain finally stopped!!
Another absolutely awesome effort
with the fundraising with team Lowri's
Angels having banked over $7,000 to date, and money still coming in.
During the Relay our team won spot prizes of $200 worth of clothing
vouchers, and Tim and I were presented with a $100 voucher for a local
restaurant/bar as someone dobbed us in as celebrating our 3rd "anniversary"
(after 12 years of marriage) on Sunday 29th Feb. I will try to load
some photos of the event soon, but we didn't take the digital camera with us
as it was too WET out there.
I have had a sad week this week.
I had my birthday earlier in the week, and while I greatly appreciate
everyone's generosity and effort in making it a special day for me, nothing
highlights that "missing person" more than the "whole" family sitting on
your bed first thing in the morning while you open your presents. I
missed Lowri horribly over the weekend at the Relay, then on my birthday and
then we went for a tour of the hospital delivery rooms ready for when the
baby comes - and guess what I was doing the last time I was there in
delivery suite??? To top it all off I went with Liam to see him play
his first ever game of mini-ball (junior basketball) last night at the YMCA
where Lowri and I used to go to mum & baby aerobics and toddler gym classes.
Sometimes it all just hits you over again like it's a new hurt - why did my
beautiful little girl just get sick out of the blue with something so
incurable, why did she have to suffer such horrible pain, and why isn't she
here with her family? I love you Lowri, and I miss you, and I want you
back here with me - and I always will.
Harri.
I am having trouble starting this
entry, and yet I know that once I get started there will be no stopping me -
I have so much to say and so much sad news to pass on.
When Lowri was first diagnosed
Tim and I got a lot of support and information from other parents we met
on-line whose children had been dx with cancer, particularly those whose
children had fought off Wilms' tumour, and one who's child was fighting
Rabdoid Tumour of the Kidney, another childhood kidney cancer. Over
the course of the last month we have heard so much bad news from these
parents about their children. Firstly the friend with rabdoid,
Tyler,
got his angel wings after fighting for so long. Our friend
Savannah
is now getting palliative care for her recurrent Wilms' and is struggling
with fluid build-up and fevers.
She also has fought long and hard and had many treatments. Just as I
was taking in this information we heard that our friend
Brock
got his angel wings also after an almost 10 year fight against the Wilms
beast.
In addition to this another
little girl Emaleigh who's
story I was following, who had the same stage IV anaplastic Wilms' diagnosis
as Lowri, lost her battle too. That is four friends we have lost to
Wilms' in 3 months - this so called "spit and rub" cancer which is so easy
to cure. All of these children and their families could use your
prayers, along with another friend
Shiri
who's family are still waiting to hear more about the histology (focal or
diffuse anaplasia) of her tumours.
I am so upset by this, and so
angry that more is not being done to stop these deaths. I know that
researchers around the world are looking for cancer cures, but nobody seems
interested in finding the causes so that these cancers can be stopped before
they start. I know that Lowri's cancer started to develop whilst she
was inside me - something went wrong way back then. It scares me that
whatever caused it could be something I am still doing and so I could cause
it in this next child I am carrying. I am still living in the same
house in the same neighbourhood and eating basically the same diet - and
nobody is asking me what I remember about when I was carrying Lowri, nobody
is testing the air or the water, nobody is interested in the differences
between when I carried Roosje and Liam and when I carried Lowri. I know that
research is creeping forward, but each year there are more children dx with
Wilms and each year some of those will not make it. It seems to come
out of the blue into some families without previous cases of cancer of any kind
and for no apparent reason - and yet SOMETHING must cause it. It is
very easy to say "it's just one of those things", but so was lung cancer
thought to be once upon a time.
Treatments for this particular
cancer do not seem to have progressed in the last couple of decades either -
except for those easy to cure cases where the quantity of treatment has been
reduced. Those children who die are negligible loss to the Wilms'
researchers as they have such a good success rate with this cancer - 95%
cure rate means ONLY 5% death rate. It's a lot better than most
childhood cancers, but not good enough.
Okay, so that was my rant, and
now onto the fund-raising.
The
Lowri's Angels 2004 page is now
up and running with information about the Relay for Life on 28th-29th
February, how the fundraising is going and who you can contact to give your
donation money to. Tim was told at the managers meeting last week that
Lowri's Angels 2003 raised MORE MONEY THAN ANY OTHER TEAM at the Auckland
Relay for Life last year
(NZ$8,110.30)!!
It would have been nice to have
heard this from the organisers a little earlier than this, but what a
MAMMOTH effort by our guys.
I know that the children and
families mentioned above could use your prayers right now, as well as your
messages on their guestbooks.
Thanks for your support,
Harri.
Just a quick update to let you
know that I had an ultrasound scan of the baby on Monday and everything
looked okay. Another baby with a big head and short legs - we seem to
build them that way. For those of you who want to know what we know
about the sex of the baby click here.
Harri
Sorry it has been so long since I
last updated, we have been away from home for most of that time as first it
was Tim's Dad's 80th birthday and we went to visit him, and then my brother
and his family came from the UK to visit us and we went to see some of New
Zealand with them.
Our big news for the year is that
we are expecting a baby, due in June. I am already the size of a small
house, and have once again developed the all-day-every-day "morning"
sickness which will probably continue until at least the sixth or seventh
month. Tim has been great and has taken on all the food related tasks
- buying it, cooking it and eating it all for me. I will be having a
scan in the next couple of weeks to check that everything is okay with the
baby - far less taken for granted by us this time!!
Sadly I have to report that
little
Cameron
who I mentioned in my last update joined Lowri in Heaven just before Christmas. Our
friend Savannah
has had more bad news about her tumours. Please keep these children
and their families in your prayers along with the other children I mentioned
in the last update, and another Wilms' friend also called
Cameron
Harri
I had just finished updating the
Photo gallery page with different
photos of Lowri as a baby when I got a very sad email. One of my
on-line friends lost her battle with Wilms Tumour yesterday. Martine
is from Norway, I have mentioned her before on this page, but never got
around to putting on a link to
Martine's website.
She slipped away unexpectedly I think after a 16 months battle, at just 4
1/2 years old. As long as I live I will not understand the reason why
some children have to suffer this way and lose their lives at such a young
age. My heart goes out to her parents Marianne and Reidar, and her
little sister Therese who are now going to have to learn to live in a
shattered world. I pray that Lowri was waiting for Martine in Heaven
and is now showing her around the good spots to play.
Some of our other on-line friends
still doing battle could do with some prayers right now too:
Shiri,
in Canada, was diagnosed with bilateral (both kidneys) Wilms, but also it
had already spread to her lungs. She has done some weeks of
chemotherapy to reduce the size of the tumours ready for an operation to
remove one kidney, the residual tumour from the other kidney and some from
her lungs. Unfortunately one of the kidney tumours has not shrunk and
so her doctors are now thinking that that tumour may be unfavourable
histology.
Brock,
in Indiana USA, has been fighting "favourable histology!!!!!" Wilms since
July 1994 and at 16 has recently had a tumour removed from his brain.
He now is having problems with swallowing and is going to the hospital
tomorrow to find out what is causing that.
Tyler,
In Illinois USA, has been doing battle with Rabdoid tumour of the kidney
since March 2001. He has just turned 5. His tumours are slowly
growing and his doctors are trying to find some new drugs to shrink them.
Savannah,
also in Illinois USA, is still fighting with Anaplastic Wilms and now after
several years of heavy chemotherapy her blood counts are taking longer to
recover after each round of chemo.
Cameron
has fought off unfavourable Wilms only to go on to develop changes to his
blood which indicate that he will soon have a secondary Leukemia - caused by
the treatment he received for the Wilms....
These are just a few of the
children who's cancer fights I have been following. There are success
stories too, but far more twists and turns than I was originally lead to
believe for this very curable cancer. I am planning to add a list of
children to the links page for those interested in knowing more of the
children.
First I have to apologise to
those people who did not receive their Thank You cards when I wrote the last
update. Due to various problems some of you will only just be getting
your cards. I had hoped to send them all off at the same time, but it
didn't work out that way. Sorry.
We went away to Melbourne for a
weeks holiday (well Tim was actually working, but Roosje, Liam and I had a
holiday). It was great fun full of tram rides, shopping and eating,
but a little cold for my taste. I would definitely go there again, but
at a warmer time of the year.
Lowri's Angels
We have decided to enter a team
for the Auckland Cancer society's Relay for Life 2004, which is to be held
on the weekend of 28th&29th February 2004 at Ericsson Stadium.
At the time of writing this we have 20 willing (?) volunteers to walk and
raise sponsorship for our team "Lowri's angels". In February 2003
Lowri's Angels raised NZ$8,110.30 which was all done with 2 weeks notice
before the event. This year we have longer to get organised so who
knows what we can raise!! We are still looking for team members, so if
you are going to be in Auckland for those days and would like to join our
effort please let me know and I'll sign you up. We are also accepting
donations towards our sponsorship, so if you
email me I will let you know where
to send the cheques. More information about Auckland's Relay for Life
can be found at Relay for Life
and if you want to recap last years efforts
Lowri's
Angels page. This years total so far is NZ$365.00.
Also on the subject of Lowri's
Angels, or more specifically a Lowri Angel, a lady from the U.S. who designs
jewelry has designed an angel pin in memory of Lowri. If you go to
http://www.designsbyrosemary.com and click on the angel index and then
go to the custom designs you will find a dancing angel called Lowri who is
holding a pink balloon and has a star.
I have added a page for
my poems so that I would have
somewhere to put the poem that I wrote (with Roosje's help) for the Thank
You cards. It is the impressions that Lowri left us with of a little
girl so full of life and love. It doesn't matter how many children
come to play at our house, it still seems too quiet.........
Harri
A note on thanks.........
It has taken us over a year, but
we have finally finished all of the bereavement and thank you cards.
When Lowri was first diagnosed a lot of people did kind things for us, and
we decided that rather than thank each person for each gift as it happened
we would throw a big party at the end of treatment and invite everyone along
and thank them in person. As you can imagine that party never
happened, and so some people have waited an awfully long time for their
thanks. As, in the words of Gladys Bronwyn Stern, "Silent gratitude
isn't much use to anyone" we have been slowly working on thank you cards for
those people to whom we owed thanks - they will all be posted out within the
week. It has been quite a difficult task for us to think back over
that time to all the things that people have done for us, to find addresses
for those who didn't leave theirs, and to complete them all before posting
any out - we knew it would take a long time and didn't feel it was fair if
some people got their cards a year before others. We are truly sorry
for the delay, but genuinely are grateful for all that people have done for
us and for Lowri.
..........and a note of thanks
For those of you who we have only
known through the internet, or have only contacted us through the internet
we would like to thank you for all of your encouragement and prayers over
the last 21 months. Without the support that we have received we would
have been lost and alone, your messages have been invaluable.
Harri and the gang.
Happy
Birthday my beautiful little angel girl. 5 years ago today you joined
our family, bringing joy to us all. So sad to be celebrating here
without you. Today would have been your kindy/preschool leaving party and
tomorrow you should start school - you would have been so proud of walking
into school with your big sister and brother wearing your new uniform and
carrying your backpack, so much you never got to do. We found this
picture of you at Liam's kindy party, he is sitting in the Birthday chair
where you would have been today, but you kept stealing the show from him
that day!! We have your cake
in the oven right now, and some pink icing to go on it, and we'll send you
some balloons this afternoon. We miss you as much today as we did
after you had just left. I hope those other little angels are helping
you to celebrate, Peyton, Jordie, Paige and your other little angel friends. Sending you hugs and blowing kisses,
Mumma,
Daddy, Roosje and Liam.
8 Oct 1998 My waters broke at 1.30am
with a pop, a pop that woke me up. I knew exactly what had happened
because exactly the same thing had happened, around about the same time of
the day, with Roosje. Tim and I immediately started to slowly panic.
Liam had arrived so quickly after my waters broke with him that we decided
it wasn't even worth trying to make for the hospital this time, we'd just stay put and
have her (we knew from an ultrasound) at home. We had the homebirthing
kit in the cupboard, but hadn't really thought through all the
technicalities - she wasn't due for another three weeks. Unfortunately
my lead midwife was on holiday in the UK, so we called up the backup
(second) midwife. The second midwife told us that she wasn't yet fully
qualified to do home births and had to have another midwife with her, and
the third midwife (they work in teams of 3) was at the hospital delivering
another baby. We waited for the third midwife to call us back to let
us know whether she was going to make it to us in time. Meanwhile we
called Liam's Godparents Sue & Noel to come and look after the other two
kids if we had to go to the hospital. The third midwife called us back
to tell us there was no way that she could leave the hospital for several
hours as her other mother hadn't given birth yet, so she told us to come to
the hospital so that she could assess me and see how long until the birth.
Off we went to the hospital and
she assessed me and told me I could not go home, I would have to have the
baby in the hospital. At this point the contractions slowed right
down. I had had very clear views on what I did and didn't want to
happen during this birth - learned from past mistakes and from lots of
reading I had done during the pregnancy. I had discussed this fully
with the first midwife (the one on holiday) who agreed with me, discussed it
with the second who agreed with me, but the third one just wanted me to do
as I was told - bad plan on her part. Tim climbed onto the bed that
the third midwife wanted me to get on and went back to sleep. I paced
the floors trying to restart the labour. Finally it started to pick up
pace again and I kept moving around, dancing when the contractions came and
just walking in between. I was not going to get onto that bed - I had
made that mistake with the last two births and was not about to do it now
{for the record I believe that the only reason mothers have to get onto a
bed to give birth is so that the doctors and nurses don't have to kneel on
the floor during the process}. We called Sue to come to the hospital
for the birth - Tim had been woken by this stage as the third midwife tried
to get me onto the bed......."Just get up there for a minute while we
monitor the baby's heartbeat" {they always use this approach, but once
you're on that bed you don't get off again} The second midwife
monitored the baby's heartbeat by kneeling on the floor while I leaned over
the bed which was raised to it's highest setting. As the baby's head
crowned the third midwife made a last attempt to get me onto the bed and
then the second midwife delivered the baby with me still leaning on the bed
- she slipped out gently and calmly and was passed up onto the bed next to
my head - my beautiful baby girl, Lowri Elizabeth,
born at 9.18am 8 Oct 1998, 9lb 3oz, 53.5cm long, 3 weeks early (lucky
for me!!).
